I graduated from my Shamanic Apprenticeship about a week ago. Since then, I have felt an enormous shift in myself and in my connection to the Earth and to Spirit. On my final journey with my teacher, I dove deeply into a crevice within myself that has been within me since childhood. It was a place of fear, it was a darkness that, when younger, held the unknown in a scary way. It is the darkest place I have ever seen, only previously having peered into it from the side, not willing to even look at it full on. As a child, when I would close my eyes, that dark 'box' within my mind would bring anxiety. I felt as if I went too near to it, it would swallow me whole and I would never open my eyes again, would never be able to crawl out. My heart would race and I would feel dizzy. I would have to force myself to open my eyes for a few moments to confirm that I even could.
I've never shared about this space with anyone until my final journey with Lisa, because it appeared to me again. It has been many years since this space has last presented itself to me. The memory of fear well remembered, although this time, I did not turn away from it. Actually, in the journey, I felt myself just moving inside of it, almost without even choosing. I felt myself completely absorbed into this space that once held so much depth that even as a child, I knew I was not ready to be within. The darkness fully encapsulated me. I was within a liminal space that is the darkest place I've ever been. Light had no place there. Time had no place there. The only entity that had a place there was me. I looked at this space as something outside of myself, something to be feared, something that would be bad to interact with. But this dark space has always been inside of me and a part of me. It wasn't until I spent ten intense months working on myself, connecting with myself, learning to live not just survive, that allowed me to realize that.
This dark space in my mind showed me that I should not be fearful of any aspect of myself, that even the most intense and deep and confusing places are still mine and are still me. So in this last journey, I found myself fully inside, deeper than I've ever gone in a journey prior. There was a limitlessness and a poignant full-stop both residing there. I realized that every thing I had experienced up until that point was leading me up to experiencing this space. Was leading me up to experiencing myself in full, knowing that I contain the brightest light and the inkiest, deepest darkness, and they're both me.
The space was as intense as I assumed it would be, as a child, however now, I was ready to exist there. I had done the work, I was ready to cross over to the side of the guides. So, I did. I allowed myself to simply exist within the endless darkness. I trusted that when it was time, I would be able to move out of it. I trusted that I would not be swallowed up forever. I trusted that even if I were to be swallowed up forever that that is what was meant to be. I trusted that this space and my existence within it needed to be known, needed to be discovered, as I closed this amazingly profound and expansive chapter in my life with the end of my apprenticeship.
And so, there I was. I dove deeper within than I ever thought possible. I felt the supreme truth of being everything and nothing at once. I let go of the need to be in control. I trusted. I accepted. The most limiting thing in life is ourselves. It's internal.
I passed my own self-test. Aho & Sarana.